20:36 Sept 4, 2019

I think wine has a huge effect on how loving I can be.

I feel so much love and joy and generosity towards the men in my life right now. They are in my bedroom at this very moment, even thought I’m just dancing alone. I see their jawlines, their tall body structure. And I want to dance for them and be at their side. I want to hear what they have to say after I tell them I love them. I know I am in love with too many men but can you blame me? They are incredible creatures.

Girls is flashing through my head. Scenes of intense love, mistakes, beautiful heart breaks. I want to be 30 and in my thirties. That’s the same thing but who cares. I want to have a stable job so I can focus on my love life. Give it some time cause I’ve been wasting so much since I was a teen. God I wish I had listened to the wonderful sounds of love in high school. I would have been so much more in tune with my desires. I feel out of touch now.

But I still have time to make my desires come to reality. And I can see other people to help with that. High school boys were just a trial run. This is the real shit. Let’s go.

In the zone with my head in the game

Some people rely on their technical abilities and body mechanics for dancing worth of any merit. And I understand that your body has to move properly for smooth transitions to happen and entertaining material to be produced. However, for me, I make sure to remind myself that it’s about telling a story. Pretending to be in the situation. Narrating. Acting.

Just as a musician may feel more connected to a song if they sing and play an instrument at the same time, a dance performance can include multiple disciplines of art. There is a certain energy that is transported throughout the body called vibrato electronium when a person has reached this state of mind. I am making this completely up from my own messy brain, but it makes some sense to me because I lose my anxiety when this happens. I suddenly start to become the person I am always striving to be. Is this a superpower? Not to say that I am above others… it just feels supernatural…

I can’t always summon this superficial strength because I find when I over try to develop this energy, it fails to be created. Like a Santa Claus or a period cycle, if I am waiting for it, it won’t come. Dammit. Is there a wizardry school I can go to to practice controlling my skills?

Why I love to cry.

The socially acceptable rule about crying is that it can happen in public if young kids are upset, or tragedy strikes a mass group of people. Besides that, it is uncommon and often taken negatively if a person were to burst into tears on the street. In my experience, people tend to give a side-eye glance at a crying loser and say nothing to them because it’s too much emotion for every day life. I am also guilty of reacting this way. We are all so busy with our stoic lives to acknowledge a person who is in need of care.

On the other hand, maybe that person doesn’t want to be bothered. Maybe they would rather be left to their tears and given the chance to let their feelings out alone. How are we to know, right? So the only explanation is that we shouldn’t help each other in this situation… huh? I’m still questioning this statement… need more time to figure it out…

I try to be aware of the last time I cry so that I can schedule sadness into my busy lifestyle. That means, once in awhile, I have to do what is known as “emotional hygiene”. This article talks a bit about it. I think it means we must take care of the sad feelings just as much as the happy feelings. As we go through the ups and downs, the benefit of being emotionally open will help us purge. If we hold things in, we are adding unneeded pressure to our capacity to be patient. Making things harder for ourselves. Thus, the ability to let out our emotions is one that is intellectual. At least that’s what I tell myself when I want to scream at the tops of my lungs because of Donald f**king Trump.

I love to cry because I find peace in complete despair. In some weird way, I am willing to cry loudly and proudly if it means I will feel better afterwards. I like the deepest downs because it means the highest ups are next. The comedian Louis C.K., who definitely hasn’t been behaving properly since he started his career, explained my thoughts so well in this video on Conan. I don’t want to promote him anymore but no one else has been able to put this in words. We all want to feel high as the sky but I think we should also feel grateful for when we are down like the ocean floor. It’s scary and vulnerable but doesn’t that make us more susceptible to controlling ourselves? If there is a moment where we need to stretch our emotional boundaries, the next time will be better because we learn how far we can go and we learn about our natural instincts. If no tears leave our eyes, it means that we are (literally) closing up the ducts and causing our minds to work harder to be less genuine. I think that’s why I love crying. It’s authentic. And full of reality.

Through the journeys of happy and sad and everywhere in between, I need to remember to take the time to acknowledge my feelings, the feelings of others, and why we need to have feelings.

“When there’s nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire.” – from the song Your Ex-Lover is Dead by Stars.

Tumbles and rumbles and bumbles.

As a person who studies movement, musicality, and force, my favourite moments of life are when I am being controlled by outer forces. Within reason, I love the feeling of rollercoasters or plane rides that may be turbulent, and it gives me great joy to feel out of control for a bit. I am able to relax into the waves of push and pull.

I love to be dragged by my friend on the floor after a night out.

I love the way this video is sculpted.

I find comfort in the bumpiness of rollercoaster rides because I know that I am stuck inside a seat and there is no where to go. Yes, they can be scary at times but if I trust that the engineers and crew have designed it specifically for safety then I can just enjoy myself. The slow up towards the big first drop allows for gravity to be felt at full capacity. There is so much force pulling me down but the ride just keeps going up. Then the drop happens and we follow gravity like a servant. I feel so in-tune with the Earth’s pull that my mind goes to my happy place and my organs settle down for once. They aren’t fighting anything, unless, of course I had a full meal beforehand. Otherwise, I let the ride do its job of sending me around, about, and through wind. It’s magical and peaceful. Like a yoga class with more seatbelts.

Another fleeting moment of uncontrollable happiness is when a plane takes off and lands. The start of an airplane experience begins with a huge jolt backwards into the cushion seat. My immediate reaction would be to fight this feeling and find my own posture sans force, but I let go of any tension in my back to allow the ascend to be pleasureful. Eventually, the plane starts to go down toward ground level and the few seconds where the plane has to defeat itself and come to driving speed I release forward into a glorious contraction, almost hitting the seat in front of me. It’s so wonderful! My body has completely given up!

Finally, the last moment I will share with you comes from my time in California at a beach that I forget the name of. The group of people I was with didn’t feel too keen on swimming but I was drawn to the water. The waves were extra crazy and the sun was warm on my pale skin. I found my footing in the sand and took a selfish amount of time to submerge into the water. Getting out far enough, my mind raced to where the water must be coming from. The Pacific Ocean, nonetheless, but where exactly did the current start? I belonged there, I thought. Even though I wasn’t quite far out, I still felt separated from my friends. It wasn’t a dangerous amount of space but it was safe enough that I could feel personally attached to the salty waves. Sun shining, waves going, and suddenly I forgot that I had legs to stir myself. I just went along with where ever I went. In fact, one big wave brushed my sunglasses off! I tried to search for them but knew there was absolutely no use. Oh well. My mind settled back into its seashell and the waves took their time to carry me to the shore. Stepping on the sand again reminded me of when you step off a treadmill and it feels weird to be solid in your gait.

“Oh there ain’t no diamonds in the boredom. Oh there ain’t no darkness that I fear. Oh there ain’t no way to say I love you more, so be clear, just to be clear.” – Ben Howard


I remember writing this one night when I first connected with the moon. I have a very close relationship with this natural satellite because when ever I can’t sleep I always look through my window without my glasses and bask in the blurry image of a white light shining on me.

Oct 2, 2014


You gaze under a half-moon. You get the feeling that the shape is yet to be completed, like the empty light longs to be reflected. My glasses are pulled off in the most aggressive way. Clarity isn’t an option at the moment. Gazing back, that lunar light has found its time. Yes, you squint and your headache increases, but you make the choice for you. Because even when the particles of your Ora blend in with you surroundings, you still shed energy. You still have filled the capacity you could at that moment.