Things 2019 has taught me so far

I used to think that if I was in my best shape/weight, other people would dislike me. Almost as if my physical accomplishments were taking away from theirs.

I used to think that if I wanted people to feel better about themselves, I should never talk about me and only ask about them. Almost as if my personal thoughts/stories/opinions were pointless to their growth.

I used to think that food was mainly for pleasure. Mouth pleasure. Almost as if I only listened to my taste buds and not my stomach and full body.

I used to think that being alone was the best thing in the world. Almost as if independence is the most productive and fruitful way to live.

I used to think that eye contact was creepy when having a conversation. Almost as if I should never deserve someone’s full attention. 

I used to think sleep was the worst part of my daily routine. Almost as if I didn’t require a recharging of my brain and body and I could run on empty like a superhero forever.

I don’t believe these things anymore. I found a way out of those dark and idiotic thoughts.

20:36 Sept 4, 2019

I think wine has a huge effect on how loving I can be.

I feel so much love and joy and generosity towards the men in my life right now. They are in my bedroom at this very moment, even thought I’m just dancing alone. I see their jawlines, their tall body structure. And I want to dance for them and be at their side. I want to hear what they have to say after I tell them I love them. I know I am in love with too many men but can you blame me? They are incredible creatures.

Girls is flashing through my head. Scenes of intense love, mistakes, beautiful heart breaks. I want to be 30 and in my thirties. That’s the same thing but who cares. I want to have a stable job so I can focus on my love life. Give it some time cause I’ve been wasting so much since I was a teen. God I wish I had listened to the wonderful sounds of love in high school. I would have been so much more in tune with my desires. I feel out of touch now.

But I still have time to make my desires come to reality. And I can see other people to help with that. High school boys were just a trial run. This is the real shit. Let’s go.

A look back at August 2019…

“Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da, life goes on.”

This Beatles quote has been getting me through this month. Even made a little cover of it here. Having more time for myself, I was frequently in my head and over-analyzing decisions. I planned to spend time working out and feeling physically settled, however, on August 31, I hated the results. BUT, life goes on and I have chosen to stay along with it. 

Friends! I love my friends!

A wonderful thing about summer is the opportunity for outside hangouts. And my friends were too good to me this summer. I felt so loved and attempted to give as much love back. It really is important, as an adult, to feed your friendships the healthiest energy you can. They are the life supports when times are tough. They know who they are.

Teaching at new spaces

I was invited into a bevy of different studio space this month, either as an individual teacher or on faculty with Fresh Dance Intensive. Each space had its specific architecture, colours, and ambiance. My goal was to adapt into the new surroundings so that I could present myself in the best way. It was crucial that I stayed present and focused on the students in front of me. I definitely was not perfect and each day was a challenge but I am glad I can be more present nowadays. Teaching will always remind to be aware of others and that is something I forget most days.

My demon, Depression.

Although there was sunshine and laughter, this month brought on a real presence of my demon, Depression. I feel very connected to the character of BoJack Horseman, not because I am a middle-aged has-been celebrity, but because I search for love in the wrong places. I expect others to give me anything I want and then put myself down about my greediness. I want to be neutralized in my emotions without becoming a phony robot. Can’t I have a perfect life?!?! Time to let go of that. Time to work hard with kindness and gratitude.

Body Image

As I mentioned above, my body was a main focus for me this month and even though I was proud to set that goal, I am still not satisfied with how I look. I seem to spend a lot of time looking at Instagram for models and role-models that I want to look like, and I realized that maybe I really DO care about how I look. I don’t want to become too shallow though. It can be a little bit selfish to only care about your appearance but maybe I am just THAT selfish?? I hope I can find a way to enjoy my body image without losing touch of reality. Been hoping since I was 13, but what’s one more year? Hahahahahahahahahhahaahahahha.,,..