I’m sitting on a stone ledge that saves me from falling into the rocky sea. I have never felt more lost. S just left. He feels lost too. He was asked to come out and dance with everyone but his life is so messed up right now, he really didn’t want to go anywhere. I feel for him like he was the personification of my own soul. Walking with him was all I needed for tonight. I didn’t need sex, I didn’t need to dance, I just wanted real genuine connection with someone who understands how hard life is. I feel so happy with S. I want to know his troubles and learn how to take care of him. I really wish I had more time with him. I leave the island tomorrow and all I can think about is how timing is such a beach.
I want to spend days and nights with S talking about divorce, suicide, purpose, work ethic and other deep topics that can only be discussed with the right people.
Although, I can’t expect him to fix all my problems. He is still figuring out his own. I want to be involved in his thought process and know him through the pain.
I met you at a time when I was certain a genuine connection meant sexual interaction. I thought that having a one night stand would help me plough through my problems better than a conversation about mental illness. As if a penetration of body parts could solve a calculus equation so complicated in my heart. As if the way you moan had anything to do with my happiness.
I should have remembered that you were sad and fragile like a wonderful teenager. You couldn’t have had enough energy for both of us. Life takes so much from us. How would I feel if someone older than me tried to depend on me at that age? But regardless, when I sat next to you on the boat ride into town and my head nudged into your shoulder blade as you watched the lights fade on the sea, I had hope. Your back was a million miles long. I saw definition in your spine that caused me to define myself differently. Better. A better me with you there.
You let me hold your hand in mine. You never said no, you never pushed away. Did you want to or was it weird? Was my energy helpful to you? I have hope that I helped in some way.
And you asked to walk the rest of the way home by yourself. But I knew that something was changed in you when we sat in silence. I knew that my life was changed for the better when you let my neck seep into your collar bone. I have hope.
Bring the light that you felt next time you have someone in your arms. Bring hope. I know I will.