Hydra, Week 2

If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be and why?

One thing I would change would be to have blonde hair. I was always told that I’d be prettier like my older sister if my hair was blonde like her I know it’s a very small thing, but it has always made me insecure and even if I dyed my hair right now, it still would make me feel like I never live up to the expectations of others. My appearance is so important to other people and I have to realize that some things were not in my cards. If I could change my hair, it would change my whole attitude as a person. My sister is and always has been more pretty and more physically attractive than me and others have told me I could be more like her rather than try to be the best version of myself.

If you could live anywhere you wanted, where would it be?

If I could live anywhere I wanted I would live in New York City until I am 50 years old. NYC has my favourite kind of energy in it and the people there are so freaking talented. Every time I visit, I feel the air and blood inside me change for the better. The lights, the shows and the crowds. That’s my kind of town!

After I am about 50, I want to live in Australia for my later years. I want to teach and choreograph there so I can learn from the atmosphere that surrounds the artists. I’m not sure where exactly in Australia but somewhere in that continent.

Then, as I grow frail and die, I want to live in Italy. I have never been but I am Italian and I love pasta. I think Rome or Venice or Sicily would be perfect places to pass away from this world. There, I can hear about my Italian ancestors and eat as much pasta as I want.

Is there something you are reluctant to tell someone?

I am reluctant to tell my little sister that the world is a scary place. She is 10 years old and hasn’t really been through traumatic experiences yet. But I want her to stay in a paradise forever and keep her innocence. If I opened up to her about my suicidal thoughts or my depressive actions, I feel as though she wouldn’t be so carefree and happy as she is now. I endured a lot of emotional hurt this past year and have had to hide it from her. I want to share my thoughts and be a good role model but she is just so ignorant and content. Of course, she will eventually go through her own stuff and learn from her own mistakes, but for now, I think it’s best if she doesn’t grow up.

What are you really good at?

This entry is quite difficult for me because I am so unclear about who I am as a person still. I find it hard to pinpoint exactly what my strengths/weaknesses are because they seem to still be in the development process. For the time being, I guess I will write about what I think I was good at, today.

Today, I felt strong in my listening skills. I felt like I really took the time to hear what others had to say and I reacted when I had all the information. Sometimes, I can be very impatient and I will judge people without hearing the whole story. However, today in particular, I was proud of my attentiveness. I wonder if it is because I slept in and rested mid-day. Sleep always seems to help. If I try now to learn fro. This successful day, maybe I can work towards being a better listener every day. You can learn so much from other people and I think it would be wise to work on patience and being more extroverted.

What does “paradise” look like for you?

Paradise is less of an appearance but more of a feeling. For me, when I feel most “paradisey”, it’s when my skin softens and my mind is calm. I have complete control of my senses rather than the opposite when my body/mind are shaking with busyness. If I can let myself feel the paradise, I know I am available for creative activities and collaboration with others. My anxiety has a way of showing up when I need it the least, so I have to work for my paradise. Healthy mind, healthy life.

How would you describe yourself and how would your best friend describe you?

I would describe myself as always changing. I like to be a different person with every rising of the morning sun. My mom sometimes finds this silly but I am inspired by Lady GaGa’s costumed fashion choices. She is never seen in public wearing outfits that reflect similar characters because she knows she has so many inside of her. It is a bit schizophrenic, but I like it. That is how I want to describe my inner personality.

My best friends would describe me as energetically obsessed with Broadway, probably. I think they would also say I am troubled with bed thoughts over all my surface level happiness. They know me better than I do, and I think that is why I gravitate to them so easily. They help me to discover the correct choices and keep me in a moral state of mind.

Three things you would do if you weren’t so afraid.

1. Move to New York City, right now. I keep putting off trips to visit there and keep worrying that I won’t belong there. I need to just move and work hard for what I can get. I want to finish my degree before that but honestly, I’m so anxious to live there full-time.

2. Tell my boss to give me a raise. Seems sort of pathetic but because I love my job as a dance teacher so much, I’m so nervous to mess it up. I wouldn’t want my boss to get the wrong idea. I just really could use the extra money.

3. Audition for ballet companies. I will always have a deep devotion to ballet and since I was 12, I’ve dreamed of being in a ballet company. I was told a few years later that I would never fit the mold and my back was too inflexible. But that won’t stop me from loving ballet and training my butt off in ballet class.